


Nothing Explosive

by istie



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, annoying noises, the enforced confinement of a space station, what happens when Hera's offline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 13:13:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10219100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/istie/pseuds/istie
Summary: Hera's offline for a routine debug, and Minkowski's nervous: bad things happen when Hera's offline.  Will the intrepid Hephaestus crew survive the night?  Plus, rockin' out to 80s tunes, the "oh god we're all gonna die" alarm, and buzzing Boston creams.This takes place between “The Empty Man Cometh” and the season 1 finale.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written in response to a prompt posted by Sarah Shachat - "While Hera is offline for a routine, 12 hour de-bugging cycle, a mysterious alarm starts coming through the PA. The crew cannot figure out what, if anything, is wrong, locate its source, or, crucially, make it stop. After several hours, with their psyches fraying, Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hilbert each resort to their own methods of coping with the intrusive noise." (mewthril @ tumblr, /post/150734950071/wolf-359-challenge-day-21)  
> 

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION – CMDR MINKOWSKI'S QUARTERS -- DAY 555 -- 2230 HOURS**  

     HERA  
So I'll be able to talk to you again in about twelve hours.

     MINKOWSKI  
And all the Hephaestus systems are running on auxiliary?

     HERA  
Yes sir.  I still have complete control of the station.  Anything goes wrong that my auxiliary processes can't fix, you'll get an alert and the main console will walk you through it. 

     MINKOWSKI  
And if something … big happens?

     HERA  
Well, there are certain conditions which will trigger an emergency cutoff to the debug cycle, which is one hell of a ride let me tell you, but--  wait.  Commander, you've never been this apprehensive about a debug before.  This is the tenth one I've run since mission start.  Is something wrong?

     MINKOWSKI  
No, no.  Everything's fine. 

     HERA  
… Are you sure?

> It takes just a fraction of a second too long for Minkowski to respond.

     MINKOWSKI  
Yes!  Totally sure.

     HERA, not buying it.  
Okay … then I'm going to start, unless you have any other questions for me.

     MINKOWSKI  
Nope, no questions.  Everything will be fine.  One hundred percent fine.

     HERA  
…yes.  Yes, it will.  Okay, Commander, I'm starting the cycle now.  Talk to you in the morning.

> Silence for several seconds.  There is no audible indication that Hera is no longer present.   

     MINKOWSKI  
Hera … ?

> No response.  Minkowski EXHALES audibly.

     MINKOWSKI  
I just … really don’t want another repeat of ‘super energy saver mode’.

 

 

 

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- COMMS ROOM -- DAY 555 -- 2235 HOURS**

> Door opens and closes.

     MINKOWSKI  
Eiffel.  Sit rep.

     EIFFEL  
All nominal, Commander.  Just settling in for a long night of space radio.

> A few beats of silence.  Minkowski does not leave.

     EIFFEL, cont'd.  
Uh, Commander?  Everything five by five?

     MINKOWSKI  
Of course, Officer Eiffel.  Why do you ask?  Are you concerned about something?

> Eiffel pauses briefly before answering.  You can hear his eyes narrowing.

     EIFFEL  
Noooo … no, all copacetic here.

     MINKOWSKI  
Great.  Good!  That's good.

> Eiffel blinks.  Minkowski still hasn't left.  Then,

     MINKOWSKI, cont’d.  
Well.  I'd better leave you to your … space radio. 

> Eiffel just keeps looking at her.  Minkowski doesn't seem to have noticed. 

     MINKOWSKI, cont'd yet again.  
Good night, Officer Eiffel.

> She finally leaves, the door opening … and taking far too long to close.  Eiffel stares at it for a few seconds longer, utterly baffled.

     EIFFEL  
I think she's finally lost it, Hera.

> No reply, of course.  A beat, then we hear Eiffel exhale a laugh at himself.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
God, it's weird when you can't talk. 

 

 

 

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- COMMS ROOM -- DAY 555 -- 2325 HOURS**

> Eiffel is humming to himself.  It takes a few seconds of humming for the listeners to figure out what it is: Journey's _Don't Stop Believin'_.  He hums his way through a verse, then --

     EIFFEL  
_'n DON'T STOP-- be-LIEV-in'!  Hang on -- to that -- FEELIN'!_

> He is, of course, punctuating this with all the instrumental noises.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
_Stree-eet light!  Peo-ple!_

> A buzzer goes off while he is singing.  He does not hear it, and launches into an approximation of the guitar solo.  The buzzer sounds two more times before he notices it.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Huh?

> He taps on his keyboard.  The buzzer sounds again.  It's doing so regularly, at about thirty-second intervals.  Twenty-seven, to be precise.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
I'm gettin' there, cool your heels. 

> More tapping.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Not the primary or secondary sensor arrays.  Nothing incoming on the pulse beacon relay.  It's not the "oh god we're all gonna die" alarm, we tested that yesterday. 

> He pauses.  That's about the extent of what he can easily check from his board.  The buzzer sounds again.  He huffs.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
It'd be really awesome if you could talk right now, Hera.

> The comm buzzes.  Eiffel's been waiting for this.  He flips the switch.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Hyello and welcome to Doug's Donuts, we have a special on for half a dozen buzzing Boston creams for only five ninety-ni--

     MINKOWSKI  
Eiffel.  Is something wrong with the comms systems?

     EIFFEL  
No ma'am, all I've got here are Boston creams with buzzers in 'em, I'd love it if you could take 'em off my hands, y'see the kitchen keeps sendin' 'em out and nobody's buyin'--

> These next lines overlap.  This is a time-honoured tradition that they're both a little tired of. 

     MINKOWSKI  
For God's sake, Eiffel, I know we have a life-threatening situation every other day but couldn't you for _once_ take it seriously--

     EIFFEL  
Oh please, Commander, it's more like every other _hour_ , can you blame me if I'm a little blasé--

     MINKOWSKI  
Yes I _can_ , when it's _threatening station security_ \--

     EIFFEL  
Get a grip, Minkowski, it's just a buzzer, it's not like Hera doesn't have five zillion of those that go off all the frickin' time--

     MINKOWSKI  
_We don't know what it is and we don't have Hera to help us so would you please get your act together and help me figure it out!_

> This shocks Eiffel into silence for a moment.  Minkowski doesn't usually get to the yelling part for at least another minute.  She also doesn't usually _ask_ for his help.  He puts this together with her behaviour earlier, and realizes she's really on edge.  While he's silent, the buzzer goes off again.  It will continue through all of this.

     MINKOWSKI, cont'd.  
Just.  Please.  Is there anything wrong in communications.

     EIFFEL  
No sir.  Primary and secondary arrays aren't picking anything up, no pulse beacon activity.  And it's not the "oh god we're all gonna die" alarm, because we--

     MINKOWSKI  
Tested that yesterday.  I know.  I'm not seeing anything here on the bridge, either.  Everything looks nominal - interior and exterior temperature gauges read normal, air pressure is fine, power is well in the green, structural integrity is no more of a danger than it was yesterday.  Even all the remote readings from Hilbert's lab are good.

     EIFFEL  
Any idea what the good doctor's up to tonight?

     MINKOWSKI  
Just his standard shift in the lab.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

     EIFFEL  
What's ordinary for Mr. Hyde might be out of the ordinary for the doctors Jekyll.

     MINKOWSKI  
I understood that one, Eiffel, step up your game.  And are you saying _we're_ Hilbert's _alter egos_?

> The buzzer, again, has been going off regularly.  So far, both Eiffel and Minkowski have ignored it.  It goes off just as Minkowski finishes speaking, and they both hold their breath and grit their teeth.  It's starting to get on their nerves.

     EIFFEL  
Yeah, I can do better.  So.  What's our next step? 

     MINKOWSKI  
I'm going to go to engineering to see if anything's gone wrong and we can't see it.  You're going to drop in on Hilbert and see if he's endangering all our lives again.

     EIFFEL  
Aw, man, why can't we just buzz--

> Buzzer.

     EIFFEL, cont'd.  
… _contact_ him via the _intercom_. 

     MINKOWSKI  
Because I want you to actually see it with your own eyes.

> Eiffel groans, which is cut off by the intercom buzzing again.

     HILBERT  
Commander?

     EIFFEL, sotto voce.  
Speak of the devil.

     MINKOWSKI  
Yes, Doctor?  Do you have an explanation for the buzzer that's been going off?

     HILBERT  
Ah.  No.  Was going to ask you the same thing.  Assumed since no further alarms had been tripped that the situation was not dire.

     MINKOWSKI  
We can't rule that out yet, but it doesn't _look_ like it so far.  What are you doing down there?

     HILBERT  
Running tests.

     MINKOWSKI  
On … ?

     HILBERT  
Cultured bacteria.

     EIFFEL  
Do any of these tests involve explosions?  Or other … deadly things?

     HILBERT, rolling his eyes.  
Tests involve exposure to varying spectra of light and radiation as filtered through observation windows in lab.  Nothing explosive, I assure you.

     EIFFEL, not quite sotto voce.  
Believe it when I see it…

     HILBERT  
You are welcome to come down and see it for yourself, Officer Eiffel.  I suspect that to a mind such as yours it would be the equivalent to watching paint dry, so, might be interesting for you.

     EIFFEL  
Thanks, Doc, but I think I'll--

> Minkowski clears her throat audibly.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Ah, I mean, sure, I'd love to.  Sounds like a fantastic way to--

> Buzzer. Eiffel grunts in frustration.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Pass the time.

     MINKOWSKI  
Great.  Gentlemen, once you've firmly decided Hilbert's petri dishes aren't the cause of our … auditory distress, then would you be so kind as to check the hydroponics bay?

     EIFFEL  
You think it might be our friendly neighbourhood plant monster?

     MINKOWSKI  
I trust that abomination about as far as I can throw it.

     EIFFEL  
So … yes.

     MINKOWSKI  
All I'm saying is that we can't afford to take any chances.

> Eiffel snickers. The intercom buzzes twice.  We are back, alone, with Eiffel.

     EIFFEL  
Ugh.  A perfectly lovely night of absolutely nothing, ruined by--

> Buzzer.

     EIFFEL  
Oh go jump in a red dwarf.

 

 

 

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- MESS HALL -- DAY 556 -- 0448 HOURS**

> The buzzer is still sounding.  When it interrupts a line, the speaker will react to it as best suits their character - a pause, a grunt or hiss, an expletive, whatever fits. 

     MINKOWSKI, strained.  
Five hours.  Five _hours_ of this.  And we're still no closer to finding out what's causing it.

     HILBERT, flat.  
Nothing in engineering.  Nothing in hydroponics.  All airlocks sealed.  All crates in cargo bay intact and accounted for.  Nothing out of place _anywhere_.

     EIFFEL, the most frazzled.  
_Aaaaauuuugh_.

     HILBERT  
Very eloquent, Officer Eiffel.

> Eiffel just groans at him again.  Hilbert huffs.

     HILBERT  
You are sure it is nothing with the AI system, Commander.

     MINKOWSKI  
Positive.  Hera’s output is completely normal.  And you're sure it's nothing in the science wing.

     HILBERT  
Everything is accounted for.  And silent.

     MINKOWSKI  
We even checked the goddamned _microwave_.

     EIFFEL  
_Aaaaauuuugh!_

> Hilbert and Minkowski are too exhausted to tell him to shut up.  There is silence for nearly a full minute: the buzzer sounds twice.  On the second buzz, all hell breaks loose.  Minkowski starts singing show tunes at the top of her lungs; Hilbert begins reciting the periodic table in Russian in a perfect monotone; Eiffel just _yells_.  They have all screwed their eyes shut and slapped their hands over their ears.

 

 

 

**I** **NT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- MESS HALL -- DAY 556 -- 0502 HOURS**

> We open to silence, apart from the continuing buzzer.  It sounds at least three times before Eiffel groans weakly.

     HILBERT, rougher than usual.  
Good.  You are awake.

     EIFFEL  
… Huh?

     HILBERT  
Go back to comms room. 

     EIFFEL  
I don't …

     HILBERT  
Go back.  To comms room.  Go do your job.

     EIFFEL  
Why does my head hurt …?

     HILBERT  
Alarm sounding for hours. Minkowski hitting you in the head with a tray.  Either or.

     EIFFEL  
Minkowski … hit me … with a tray?

     HILBERT  
You would not stop yelling.

> The way he says this sounds very much like he himself would have hit Eiffel with the tray if Minkowski hadn't gotten there first.

     EIFFEL  
Oh … where is she now?

     HILBERT  
Commander Minkowski is on the bridge.

     EIFFEL  
Did we ever …

> The buzzer interrupts him, and answers his question.  He sighs deeply.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
How are you not … isn't it driving you crazy?

     HILBERT  
What, the alarm?

     EIFFEL  
Yeah.  I mean, I guess you're already crazy, but…no, God, seriously, how are you so calm if Minkowski didn't knock _you_ out, too?

> A pause.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Wait.  _Did_ she go after you after she took me out?

     HILBERT  
No, Officer Eiffel.  I have become … _inured_ to the alarm.  It does not bother me any longer. 

> He's saying this through gritted teeth.  This is only happening by sheer force of will.

     HILBERT, cont’d.  
I strongly suggest you return to the comms room.

> Eiffel catches his drift.

     EIFFEL  
Good idea, doc.

 

 

 

**I** **NT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- BRIDGE -- DAY 556 -- 0513 HOURS**

> Door opens and closes.

     EIFFEL  
Hey, Commander.  I was just on my way to the comms room and figured I'd … what are you doing?

     MINKOWSKI, very coolly.  
Routine diagnostics of all functioning systems, Officer Eiffel.  Standard procedure.

     EIFFEL  
Didn't you do those last week?

     MINKOWSKI  
No, of course not.  Those were the _other_ routine diagnostics.

     EIFFEL  
Uh, sure.  Okay.  Anyway I … just wanted to ask how you were holding up, y'know, boost morale and community and all that.

     MINKOWSKI  
Holding up?  I'm afraid I don't understand the question, Officer Eiffel.

     EIFFEL  
You know, with the--

> Buzzer.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
That.  _That_.  You doin' okay, Commander?

     MINKOWSKI  
I have absolutely no idea what you're referring to, Officer.

     EIFFEL, a little nervous.  
Uh.

     MINKOWSKI, eye twitching.  
Why don't you go on to the comms room?  I'll be sure to make a note of your concern for crew morale in my log.

     EIFFEL  
…thanks, Commander.  You do that.

> The buzzer sounds again.  A few seconds of silence before the door opens and closes.

 

 

 

**I** **NT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- COMMS ROOM -- DAY 556 -- 0523 HOURS**

> Eiffel is attempting to do his job while the buzzer is going off.  We get about ninety seconds of him tuning to static, saying some variety of "nope, nothing there", and tuning to the next bit of static, all interrupted by the buzzer.  Finally, he's had enough, and he lets out a wail.

     EIFFEL  
Oh my God Hera would you please come back and tell us what this _is_ , I'm _begging_ you, if this keeps up much longer I'm going to have to try to _sleep_ through it, and Hilbert and Minkowski will get another full shift of this and I swear one of them is gonna go all _heeere's Johnny_ and _we're all gonna diiiiiiie!!!_

> He subsides into ragged sobs.  This is a man at the end of his rope.  We hear sob after sob, Eiffel breathing heavily, collapsed over his console.  Eventually, this goes on long enough that we realize … the buzzing has stopped.  After a few moments more, Eiffel's breathing calms, and he realizes it too, with a start.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
No.  _No._   _Seriously?!_

> He shushes himself, falls silent, waits, counts.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty… twenty-seven.  Oh my God.  Oh my God.

> He lets out a whoop of joy, and flops back into his chair in relief. 

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Hera, if that was you I'm never gonna forgive you.

> The intercom buzzes.  We flinch as much as Eiffel does.

     HILBERT  
Officer Eiffel?

     EIFFEL  
What's up, doc?

     HILBERT  
Wanted to confirm … wanted to confirm that alarm has stopped.

> Hilbert also sounds a bit like he's been crying. 

     EIFFEL  
That's an affirmative, doctor.  Sweet, sweet silence.

     HILBERT  
Thank God.

     EIFFEL  
Didn't think you were the God-fearing type, Hilbert.

> Hilbert doesn't bother with a riposte, just chuckles and buzzes the intercom closed.  Eiffel chuckles too, then buzzes the intercom himself.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Commander?  You there?

> No response. 

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Hello?  Minkowski?

> Still silence.

     EIFFEL, cont’d.  
Seriously, Minkowski, do I have to come over there and--

     MINKOWSKI  
I'm here, Eiffel.

> She sounds exhausted.

     EIFFEL  
Oh good.  I just wanted to--

     MINKOWSKI  
I know.

     EIFFEL  
… Okay.  Should I--

     MINKOWSKI  
Take the rest of the shift off. 

     EIFFEL  
What?

     MINKOWSKI  
Hilbert too.  All of us. 

> Eiffel's stunned.  This is like Christmas come early and he doesn't even have to eat reconstituted turkey.  This is like Command sending supplies.  This is like Minkowski _letting him off early_.

     MINKOWSKI, cont’d.  
Stay close to a comm, just in case.  But for now …

> Her voice cracks.

     EIFFEL, confused.  
Uh, Commander--

     MINKOWSKI  
Just … take a break, Eiffel.  You deserve it.  We … we deserve it.

> Eiffel clues in.

     EIFFEL  
Ohh.  Okay.  Yeah, okay, you got it, Commander.

> Minkowski sighs heavily. 

     MINKOWSKI  
Any communications come through?

     EIFFEL  
No, Commander.  Nada.

     MINKOWSKI  
Great.  Talk to you in an hour and a half, Eiffel.

     EIFFEL  
Yes sir.  … Enjoy the quiet, Minkowski.

> There's an extra second of silence before the intercom buzzes off.

     EIFFEL  
I know _I_ will.

 

 

 

**I** **NT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION -- COMMS ROOM - DAY 556 - 1030 HOURS**

     MINKOWSKI  
You have _no record_ of an alarm?

     HERA  
No, Commander.  No errors logged, no alarms triggered - nothing at all.  I don’t even see that it existed.

     MINKOWSKI  
Oh it existed alright. It _existed_ every twenty-seven seconds for six hours straight.

     HERA  
…I'm really sorry, Commander, but I honestly don't see anything that would have caused that.

> Minkowski sighs.

     MINKOWSKI  
Did anything turn up in your debugging cycle?  There’s no chance the alarm was … an unfortunate byproduct?

     HERA  
Not as far as I can tell.  I only found some normal processing errors. 

     MINKOWSKI, not relieved.  
That's … that's good.

     HERA, doubtful.  
If you want, I can run some more diagnostics, see if I can find what caused it?

     MINKOWSKI, tired.  
That would be great, Hera.  As long as …

> She trails off.

     HERA  
… as long as what, Commander?

     MINKOWSKI  
Just … as long as you can still talk to us.

     HERA, bright.  
Sure, that won't be a--

> Hera realizes what's been bothering Minkowski.

     HERA, reassuring.  
That won't be a problem, Commander.  I'll be here the entire time.

> It's not clear whether Minkowski notices Hera's shift in tone.  She still just sounds tired.

     MINKOWSKI  
Thanks, Hera.  … Thanks.

     HERA  
Of course, Commander.

 

> END.


End file.
